There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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