He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
