i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
