You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
