is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
