Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Panties = found
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
