I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
