i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
