From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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