hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you traded sex for a burrito?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
