Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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