8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
