Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
then he tried to convert me to islam
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
