You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We named our party play list daddy issues
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
