My sheets look like a crime scene.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
