I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
