it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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