You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My ass is underappreciated
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