I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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