how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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