there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
