well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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