I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
