You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
