Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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