I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
