I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
