You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
