I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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