Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
