i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
