There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
