I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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