watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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