I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
