Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We have started to decorate penises.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
