I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
