This is not my ceiling
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
