as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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