Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
your like the ambassador to my penis.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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