I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i came on her dog
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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