This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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