had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
