This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
