I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
