he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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