I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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