remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
