So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
