I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
