Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
