I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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