The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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