No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
