So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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